Authorship

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The true merit of a song...

How does a person gauge the worth of a song? Is it the rhythm, a metric time pounded out in in percussive patterns matching the patterns of a heartbeat in passion? Or perhaps it is the arrangement of certain notes and chords and they form harmonics, complimenting or opposing each other as the sound ripples through the air. Maybe a specific instrument makes a song; the vocal moan of an oboe, the tinny pluck of a harpsichord, or the thousand captured angels of a pipe organ. Some say a song is contained in the lyrics. But I disagree with this statement. Lyrics while they might capture an emotion or idea, only reflect the mood of the song writer. Not to play down the poetry that goes into, but how does one explain the classical works of Ravel, Beethoven, or the Ventures who made music lacking any lyrics.

I proposed a new way to evaluate music.

Can you meow to it?

If I can't meow to a song. I believe that it isn't worth listening to.

Take the band Fugazi for instance, every song, every album, completely meowable. In fact, they rate a 10 of 10 on my meowable scale. Certain songs by The Misfits can be meowed to. The same can be said for Abba, Bruce Springstein, Beck, Vangelis, The Wipers, Talking Heads. Even Three Dog Night, Dick Dale and the Carpenters are meowable though they are harsh opposites in the realities of life.

But there are bands and musicians you cannot meow to. Sheryl Crow is not meowable. Nor are the bands Limp Bizkit, Korn, John Denver, along with any of the later works of Cher. Bette Midler is meowable only if your are of a certain subset of the non-opposite sex loving populace, i.e. a homosexual. But the vast majority of the populace will never turn their car stereos to eleven, speakers bumping as they cruise down the street playing the soundtrack to Beaches.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Scary Monkey of the Week

The mandrill is neither a man nor a drill. It is not a man with a drill. Nor is it a cyborg future man from fifteen years into our dystopian future where people are equipped with power tool prosthetics. The mandrill is an evil monkey. While I have provided you with a convenient Wikipedia link to get further information about this beast, it does not give the full picture of the vast conspiracy of this evil monkeys presence in our society.

Take the following example:

When you go to the Home Depot and you ask for a "Man Drill" hoping for some turbo-charged, 24-volt, 100k rpm, with replaceable diamond tipped attachments in hopes of boosting a flaccid ego that hangs over an ill-fitting pair of acid-washed Levi jeans, don't expect to have your virility increased. Because let me tell you a secret--the people Home Depot are in a blood-contract with the rulers of the Simian Kabal that will give you an evil monkey instead of the boring device you need to put holes in wood. And this evil monkey will hurt you. Hurt you in ways you can only envision in the night terrors that come along after drinking too much cough syrup and eating week-old sushi bought at a truck stop.

Of course you think you think, "All I wanted was a power tool to over-compensate for my personal lack of various abilities...I was just going to put it in the shed with all of my other useless gadgets that were purchased to make me feel more masculine and virile." But instead you are now cursed.

You didn't know about the Simian Kabal? It all ties back to Free Masonry...and the Fifteen Ancient Tribes of Old World Primates. While many people believe that the government is run by Free Masons, the real might of their power comes from the Fifteen Ancient Tribes of the Old World Primates. These monkeys knew dark arts, designed the American dollar bill, and the traffic circle.

I wish I could tell you more. But these posts about evil monkeys have raised their ire over the past few months. Because not only will evil monkeys throw poo at you, steal your babies (and eat them), they will also steal your girlfriend and or boyfriend.

Just be warned...
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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Rare Finds: The Wolpertinger


Commonly called the "Flying Jackalope," the Wolpertinger is a Bavarian variant of the Western American animal. Similar to the skvader and other taxidermy hoaxes, the Wolpertinger is a classic of animal left-overs sewn together from the scraps left after trophies were stuffed and mounted.

While these cryptozoological, mythical, and forgeries have dotted fairy tales and and postcards for decades, like all fantasy they have an origin based in the real world. But unlike mermaids which were more than likely graceful manatees, the Jackalopes were rabbits with warts. Nothing too graceful about warts...

Yep, the story of the jackalope and other horned rodents more than likely spawns from appearances of disfigured wild rabbits with warty growths. A wonderful New York Times article discusses the history of this and how it has led to developments in research into a vaccine for the HPV.

Explaining the wings...well that is a little more a pain in the ass to explain. I blame eating bad mushrooms.



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Monday, July 27, 2009

Jesus...

Well, this is unexpected.

In the world of taxidermy hoaxes, I have strolled across many oddities but the crucifix fish is one I have not heard of.

But before your faith gets tangled up like flipper in a tuna net, let's actually think about what this little piece of dried fish jerky really is.

Mermaids, Mermen, and Mormon have always drifted through common myth and legend. When live specimen could not be caught, the desiccated bodies of monkeys were sewed onto the bodies of carp and then sold to sailors as the real deal. Of course, we all know that real Mermaids live in Montana and Florida, but these amazing fakes are similar to the Jesus-on-a-Cross-fish above.

The Bishop fish is another example of a similar fish. More of a natural phenomenon than a quilting accident with simians, when skates and rays or other cartilaginous flat fish are dried the underside forms odd human-like facial features. The odd shape, which looked like a bishop, or perhaps a squat Klansman, were signs of holy domain over the sea. Of course the these fish were further mutilated to make them more human, fins and gills would be snipped to make arms and other odd human like features.

That brings us to the to our holy of hollies featured above. No fish looks like a crucifix. This skate has been snipped, molded, shaped and formed, to look like Jesus in misery.

Kind of funny when you think of it. Ah, the things we will do to sell a religion...
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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Scary Monkey Picture of the Week


Yes, these monkeys will eat your babies. And just because they look like skunks doesn't mean that they are friendly like Flower in Bambi. They will first sell your baby to people who will make it fight evil midgets. And since babies lack motor skills, they ultimately lose...die...and then are eaten in an orgy of evil colobus evilness.

Sure you might think that their eyes make them look human. But remember, Cyborgs look human too. So do little gray aliens, mole people, Scientologists, zombies, and evil midgets. And you would never let your baby play with a cyborg, mole person, Scientologist, zombie, or evil midget. Unless you were a heartless colobus monkey. And then by pure logic you aren't human at all. That means you are just plain old evil.

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Speculatron: Thoughts on Blackest Night

So this is the 100th post to the Wonderful World of Clutter, why not dedicated it to one of my first loves, no not Tonya Harding, Abalone, Linda Ellerbee, or the music of Vangelis. No. I am talking about comic books.

Thank you all for reading and enduring up to this point. I love you all.

But now Comic Books!

So a lot of people are talking about Blackest Night. Well, at least I'm talking about Blackest Night. And even though at one of the panel's at the San Diego Comicon Geoff John's stated Nekron is not the big baddie, I think this is general misdirection.

Take the following pages from Green Lantern Annual #7: In this tale Kyle Rayner, at the time the only Green Lantern left after Hal Jordan kills the a lot of the GL Corp, most of Guardians, and destroys the Central Power Battery, is visited by the ghost of Abin Sur, a former famed Green Lantern. In the pursuit of mystery and fighting evil he comes across a space anomaly and is faced with a rift into the realm of the dead where Nekron reigns.

Nekron has made scattered appearances in the DC universe. Most of the time he is trying to venture into the realm of the living in order to destroy it. His chief power is dominance over the dead and the ability to resurrect corpses. He tried this once before in an early battle against the GL Corps, at the time his army of the undead even included dead Corps members.









As this little re-cap so appropriately describes, it would be easy to see how Nekron could be the evil entity that could want to destroy the universe. With recent events of Final Crisis, Infinite Crisis, the Sinestro War, and various Multiversal incursions, one might easily assume that a breach through the dimensions has once again occurred. The use of the Anti-Monitor as a fuel for the power battery for the Black Lanterns only fully solidifies this idea given that the Anti-Monitor could be thought of as an entity anti-matter and thus a walking rift in creation.


However there are a few factors that are unknown. Krona has been stated to play a role in the future of this story. And given that Krona once took on the name and characteristics of Entropy seeking destruction and chaos instead of order in the universe it is possible that he plays is has a large role in the bringing about the dead of the universe.


There are also random Guardians who have gone mad over the years. Could one of those tripped out a bit more?


I have to wait three more weeks to find out what the next chapter contains for this book. Which is kind of tortuous. But who knows. I guess there are worse fates.
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Rare Finds: The Fur Bearing Trout

If you have ever tried to swim some of the mountain streams and lakes of the Pacific Northwest, then you know and bleepin' cold the water can be. The animals of this ecosystem have all needed to adapt to these harsh conditions. Fish, given that they live in water all of their lives, need to be well prepared for the cold.

The Fur Bearing Trout is the best adapted of all trout species. While most fish grow scales, the Fur Bearing Trout, has a smooth mink-like pelt that grows up to an inch long, protecting it from the harsh cold temperatures of the snow melt of mountain streams. Unfortunately, they have become quite rare. French Canadian settlers caught many of these unique fish before they discovered that beaver were much more abundant and less intelligent and that they had a much prettier pelt. Beavers also typically don't smell like fish. Well, at least a good beaver should not smell like a fish...ahem.

The Mountain Streams of the Cascades still contain colonies; unlike other fish, they live a gopher like existence with a well established matriarch. When one is caught they usually mourn and go through a unique color change and their pelts turn white.
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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Fun with Statistics: For the love of Tonya Harding

In Oregon, we love our local daughters. We take pride in the work and toil they go through to get to where they are. Native born, native blood, native pride. Nothing represents our what it means to be an Oregon woman more than Tonya Harding.

There is a simple mathematical and statistical proof that shows that she is the true representative of what this state has to offer. Like many other figures from this state, she brought new trends to the public eye. Before her, we never new about hiring hit men to rig the Olympics. Before her, celebrity sex tapes were never made public. Before Tonya, there was nothing. Except hope.

The math is simple. Tonya Harding= the Mean of the Sum of Portland Women + All women in the state of Oregon outside of Portland.

(Drive+Talent+Athletic Skill+Ambition)-(82nd Avenue+ Sandy Blvd.)*(Ice Skates)/(Gresham)*(Lack of Opportunity)*(Dying Logging Industry)*(White Trash+Hairspray+Truck Stops)= TH +/- a 9.5 score with the judges.
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Perhaps it sounds like I am mocking her. This is not the case. Tonya Harding is a fighter. She is a champion in all of the true Oregonians' hearts. She was never pretty enough to be number one in America. We knew that. But like all true Oregonian, she knows how to get what she wants. Nothing is finer than this. The progressive immigrants to this state need to take a moment and remember our sainted mothers, and remember that this is she represents our states pilgrim heritage more than any hipster with a shoe fetish will any day.


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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Profile of a Hero: Ambush Bug (This one is for you Michael)

What can be said about Ambush Bug? Well...a lot.
Besides being one of the best humor comics published by DC, the character himself is one of the interesting constructs of metafiction. Let me pose the hypothetical question: How would you like to be a comic book character aware with the self-knowledge that you are a comic book character?
That is basically what this strange entity represents. But with less pretension. Less epistemology. Less angst. And more bad puns.

I am particularly fond of this profile of Ambush Bug, which presented in the loose-leaf gimmick version of the DC's Who's Who comics was presented as the very final entry. In here, we discover that all of the profiles of the various characters were in fact actually played by Ambush Bug himself.

Ambush Bug had a recent revival with a comic book mini-series that poked fun of the recent ten or so years of DC comics publishing. However, the last issue has yet to see publication. When questioned about the lateness of the last issue, DC editor Eddie Berganza, mentioned that it would "a very Ambush Bug thing" to not come out with the final issue and just leave all of the stories and plot threads dangling. He then said that it was going to be out soon...That was three months ago in March.

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Open Letter to Mr. Ted Nugent (Unedited Historical Post)

Dear Mr. Ted Nugent,


I have an idea. A brilliant idea, in if I might add. The thing is, of all the people in America, you are the only one I believe who can help me make this idea a reality. It has haunted my mind since I first devised this concept, and over many, conversations at bars in which many bar patrons found my idea to be a grand one. Granted I was sober and telling my story and vision to a number of people drinking Pabst and really doing nothing but that, but still I think I have something here.

Imagine this: It is World War II, you take on a group of neglected children, and kill Nazis. The film would be a musical. And we would call that Musical The Sound of Nugent. Basically it would be a remake of The Sound of Music but without nuns, and you with a lot of guns and flaming arrows shooting at Nazis. No one likes Nazis and I really can't think of anything else that would be politically correct to kill in front of children. I mean, you could take the Von Trapps and teach them how to actualy make traps and snares. And then during a roaring rock concert you can sneak them out of Austria and send them to America where they kick ass in the America scebne

Now in respect of your masculinity I would not ask you to spin around a meadow with arms stretched out. I would not as for your hair to be bobbed or blonde. You won't be falling in love with some navy captain, but we can have a couple of women fighting for your attention as you teach the mischevious Von Trapps children respect and appreciation for hunting rifles. In fact I hear a wailing guitar track and a clever reworking of many of the songs that made the original so fond to many. Here are some of the sample lyrics I have come up with:



Doe a deer hung on my wall

Ray the type of gun I choose

Me, I am, A MAN my self

Far, my aiming skill will stun.

Sew is how I made my buck-skin suit

La la la la la la la

T the start of TNT

which brings us back to Doe...

Add a guitar solo, a quiver of flaming arrows, and a couple of kids you can teach the virtues of hunting, surviving, and how Nazis are no good for America or any country and I think we would have a hit.

Now I know this might all seem sissy, but as a person who watched your reality show, I know that you conceded victory to a young gay man who stood up to all of your challenges. I also watched the reality show where you worked with Don Kirschner to make a rock and roll super group. Let's face it Don made the Monkees and The Archies, not really that cool. But you leading a resistance of youth against Nazi oppression would have balls.

Not being of great wealth, I would need help financing the film. But I know people who could act in the movie and possibly film and edit it. It wouldn't take that much. I am certain that getting guns to Austria, even if we were only shooting blanks, would be difficult, so I figued we could film the movie in, oh, let's say, the rockies. And if we shoot (no pun intended), during hunting season, you could also possibly pick up some game. And let me tell you one of my friends makes a mean venison dish.


I hope you don't find my idea too novel. I believe it could sell. And I believe that it would do well. We would at least achieve cult status with this film.

Please contact me if you find this proposal fitting to your interests. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Patrick

Monday, July 20, 2009

Secrets of Portland

In Portland, the Chinese restaurants have fish that float through the air. It is quite miraculous. In fact, there are few places that you can eat dim sum and have a giant finned creature drift by your table that isn't steamed, fried, poached, or otherwise prepared in some fancy sauce.

These fish however demand respect. And if you don't sing to them. They tend to bite. And yes. Fish have teeth.

This picture was taken at a safe distance from as to avoid the thousands of tiny razor-sharp teeth that typically are used to cut through steel and flesh. We placate the fish, I crooned a song by Sade, something about an "Ordinary Love," one that only a person like me well sated by a meal of dim sum can sing to a fish.

That is all.
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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Support Local People!!!

Oh, and if you are wondering what the hell I am talking about when I am discussing the lore of comics, and the fact that they are so awesome, and that they will blow your mind and that they will make you popular and that they will get you girls and/or boys/or both if you want them, and make you popular even when people tell you things to the contrary because they don't know because they don't even really read comics because they aren't cool like the kids that read comics at the store that I go to...

Then you should really go to:


This store is one of the best places to get your comics in town. They have a great selection, Frickin' Awesome Staff, lots of indie stuff, graphic novels, they do signings. This is the first place I go after I finish work every Wednesday. They are more steady than any relationship that I have had in the past four years.

Thanks Michael!

Geekery!

So A few days ago I posted about some Black Lanterns that I hoped would come to be. Since the first issue of Blackest Night has now hit the local comic book stores, I figure I can finally write that I feel extra happy that it looks like one of my hopes might come to pass.

In the JLA morgue, Barry and Hal (Yes, I am on a first name basis with my Super Heroes) discuss their dead colleagues in the midst of a super-villain morgue that contains the bodies of all known super-powered enemies. As a side, they are all stored in lock-down because of a grave-robbing storyline in Nightwing many months ago that featured a scientist building Frankenstein monsters out of dead meta-humans. One of the labeled tombs has Kenny Braverman's name on it. Kenny Braverman was Conduit. One of only a handful of villains to know Superman is Clark Kent.

Of course, we are going to see many more dead people resurrect from the dead during this series. And many more heroes and villains make chaos throughout the Universe. I think this is going to be a very interesting storyline.

I have a few predictions that might play into this...
  1. We will see Krona
  2. We will see Nekron. A lot of Internet buzz has been around about this character and his active role in resurrecting dead lanterns in the past.
  3. Hal Jordan will be attain a Indigo Lantern staff, be consumed by compassion while Sinestro is mortally wounded. But instead of killing him, Jordan will give Sinestro a Green Lantern Ring, thereby restoring the circle of willpower and compassion allowing Forgiveness to triumph over all other emotions.
  4. Rainbow Raider will kick everyone's asses.
Who knows. We are only one issue into this story and two major characters have been killed and recruited to the Black Lanterns.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Hell Yes


Common Hamster!

Fuck Yeah!

Don't you fuckin' step to this. Because the cuteness will kick your ass all the way back to Troutdale and you won't know which way your momma kissed you before you left her house in the morning...bitches.
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Friday, July 17, 2009

Barkeep...one more...

As a non-drinker, it probably is not wise of be to create my own cocktails. But, alas I have.

And so for your summer drinking pleasure some wonderful drinking experiences:

The Curtis Hemingway
1 part vodka
2 parts dry vermouth
4 parts Rose's grenadine syrup
Ice

Shake serve...
This lovely drink will make you puke. But it has the remarkable magical power of making stains on the carpet that resemble the face of Jesus. Multiple experiments with this cocktail in college have made many religious holy sites in my college town.


The Yuppie-Hipster-Douche Bag
1 shot on J├Ągermeister
1 shot of Oregon Pinot Noir
a Sprits of Pabst Blue Ribbon
Serve in a highball glass

The name says it all. Basically the drink covers the basics of the types of customers that come into my local haunt. Wine drinking yuppies, Pabst drinking hipsters, and J├Ąger requesting douches.

And finally for seasoned sleaze balls:

What-the-were-you-thinking!
A half-rack of Coors Light
2 Valium
Served with an eighteen year old girl




Thursday, July 16, 2009

khan jobs...

Sometimes certain things make sense when paired together...

Today I am presenting how to graphically present a family tree in one branch.

Chaka Khan will be the main trunk of this tree. The Tree of knowledge, forbidden fruit so to speak. From her, all knowledge of good and evil springs forth. And the first branch arises.

Meet the Sharkticons of the Transformers Movie... This is the first generation of Chaka Khan offspring. Notice the purple and shininess.
The Sharkticons are Chaka Khan's descendants with more sharp teeth and evil light bulb eyes. The bulbous shape of the body is a remnant of the previous Khan generation. From this branch we have a lesser but equally important step in the evolutionary chain.

Two generations removed from Chaka Khan, the Sharkticons will give birth to the scourge of Star Fleet, Khan. He was exiled from Earth in the 1990s according to Wikipedia... So it is very likely that Chaka Khan gave birth to this tyrant in some disco inferno of cocaine ecstatic rhythm. The 1970s were a very brutal time. We should all be very afraid of everything that came out of that decade. Recessive traits of Chaka Khans previous plumage come out in Khan's out hair and garb. Like I stated before, be afraid.


Of course, there is also Chaka. Chaka is a unique divergence from the branch of Chaka Khan. A true bringing about the dominant tribal traits of Khan and the 70s era kitsch of Chaka Khan, Chaka has lost all technological elements of the Sharkticons and lives and primitives.

They will give rise to more vicious species in the future.

Chaka Khan + Sharktikons + Wrath of Khan + Chaka = This is how genetics work.

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How you know you are having a bad day...

The images a plates from a book published in 1904. Yes, they are icky, to say the least.
The illustrated plate in a medical text has gone the way of the hand-tinted postcard. It makes me wonder what aspect of modern culture will be examined in a hundred years as an artifact or curiosity of arcane art.


I would definitely say that you are having a bad day if you wake and find any of the following things going on with your body.



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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Crisis Averted: File Under Jonathan Swift would be Proud...

Consider this a modern Modest Proposal:


A zoo in boston, facing major budget costs, declares that it needs a certain amount of money or it will need to start euthanizing it's animals. The deadline grows close. Elephant tranqs are prepped for 200 animals. The states comes through with millions of emergency funding.


All of the animals are saved! Except for a peacock that no one liked. Goddamned peacocks. Okay so I made up that last part.


So I was thinking. This is genius. Right now we have a major budget crisis in our education system. Portland has often had to cut days out of the school year making our public education system a bit of a national joke for some time. So why don't we threaten to "cull" 500 children because the expenses are just to darned high? Now we just wait for the money to roll in.


Surely we a child's education is worth more than a warthog.


Or is it...


Me...I am a lover of Animals. Here is a picture of me with a baby alpaca.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Who'd have thought?

Yep...
Well...ummmm...yep...Soap...Good for cleaning in medicine...
And for proof we have TEN...count them...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! Authorities in Medicine and Science tell us how useful soap can be for medicine.

Other uses for soap besides medicine:
Washing out out dirty mouths of children who use profanity.
Time delay fuses for make-shift explosives.
Offering to pagan gods and perhaps a Christian deity if so inclined.
Prison Money.
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Monday, July 13, 2009

My Germs are Okay...Your Germs are Okay...Sometimes

Sometimes, a book title tells you everything you need to know.
This book is all about good and bad microbes. And it is a story... the subtitle to the book tells us right there.

Chapter Six is very special, because it is definitely about your germs and not mine.
And as the author tells us...pretty much any one can have syphilis or gonorrhea, not just prostitutes.

Because well, we all could have these microbes. You and Me...Your neighbor, Aunt Sally, Cousin Winthrop, Mailman Joe, and your Oral Hygienist Flo. I bet they are not prostitutes. Well, they might be and they might not be telling you.



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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Taxidermy Safari

One of the great things about hunting for taxidermy, is that I never have to kill animals because they are already dead.

This finely posed mount of a fox is at the Red Fox.

I think this is one of my favorite pieces of taxidermy around town. And it is one of my favorite places to get food. Two words: Gumbo Dog.

If I can find the following pieces of taxidermy, I would be very happy. A mounted deer butt, a platypus, a bunyip, a fur bearing trout, a possum, an elephant foot ashtray (not quite taxidermy, but close...), and an ostrich.

That would make me happy.
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Heroic Efforts: Ask a Monitor

For this weeks entry into the world of Super Powered Advice, we consult the Monitors for travel tips.

Given that the Monitors are the overseers of the 52 separate known universes of the current multiverse. Basically they watch over all of reality, that is excluding any potential time anomalies created by time travellers, pocket dimensions, futures that might come to pass but are not yet solidified, anti-matter worlds, and other hyper-time divergences that are all somewhat possible in the world of comic books.

Basically if you see a big guy with shoulder pads, corn rows, and a beard...probably a monitor. Or someone with a hormone problem, but that is a separate discussion.

Today's Topic: What are some suggestions you might have for someone from The Midwest who is traveling to Russia for the very first time?


Well, Europe is a long trip away... and I guess their would be a language barier. But don't you think calling this referring to the Russians as from another Universe is a but drastic?


Right...
Um...All differences aside what might be some of the best ways to truly engage in the nuances of Russia of culture and to for a dialogue between for someone who has never been exposed to a foriegn land?

Ummm, but...

Not quite what I was expecting...One final question.

Mr. Monitor, are you by chance friends with Mr. Cheney?


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